WTF: Dazzling no

Sep 19, 2023

Martial arts lunacy is back, kids. You’ve had plenty of time to settle down after the RIZIN/Bellator doubleheader and the amazing UFC event this past weekend. And I know you’ve cooled off and are thirsting for more collisions and entanglements.

And if you’re here, you know we’ve got some generous servings of that. Punches, kicks, throws, the whole SNK button layout is on display. We’re in luck this week, since we’ve got one of my absolute favorite genres of martial arts videos with a marvelous twist.

But while we’re here, I’d like to take a moment to remind you that our new Mailbag is open for submissions. Send an e-mail to [email protected], and I’ll answer your questions, concerns, doubts, and maybe give you advice on how to break into your own house. Substack members do get priority, and it would be best to provide the Substack username in the e-mail. No, it doesn’t strictly have to do be about fighting or martial arts at all, just go crazy with it.

Since COVID, we’ve all learned our lesson regarding social distancing. OK, maybe some of us. But we all at least know what it is. And that’s why I appreciate at least one element of whatever the fuck is going on in this martial arts video.

That’s right, baby. No-touch martial arts is back on the table. The man on the right runs at his training partner with a stick, ready to nail him with a Shohei Ohtani swing. And that’s rad, because Shohei is cool as hell. But no, the other man with the power of camo pants does his best martial arts Spider-Man hands to stop the would-be assailant dead in his tracks.

Yeah, we’re gonna deal with some jumbled lettering as the video title assembles itself. But it’s right there. In fact, as the video transitions you see the final magic push that has the dude with the stick falling away like he was gently shoved by Mark Hunt. Note the leftover letter B hanging on the screen. It would have made my day in a big way if that were an L instead, because everyone in this video — every last person here should be holding an L.

The video switches to the most intriguing part of it, and the cause of my obsession since the moment I saw it. Just look at this shit. They’re all huddled around a water bottle and attempting to attack it(?) in various ways. It’s one thing to have a magic Karate repellent ability as a human, but an inanimate object? There appears to be some martial arts transitive property thing going on here where I assume some “master” imbues the bottle with the power to not receive harm.

Not like they care, they’re really going for it and trying to pounce on that thing like it insulted their sister for having bad teeth and ugly feet. If I had no idea what any of this was about and were presented with this video, I’d assume that this bottle of Dasani had it coming for talking shit.

This one uncle tries to punt the bottle and freezes up mid-stance, only to fall on his ass and laugh in awe of the power that stopped him. Guess that’s all you’ve got left at that point. This goes beyond the mere power of suggestion, this shit is a new level of manipulation via martial arts instruction.

This dude was waaaay outside the circle and he also fell and busted his ass. Not sure how you justify that from like 15 feet away, but once you believe a magic water bottle can beat you up, nothing really fucking matters anymore, you know?

Then the first fat guy that fell down, he goes for seconds. His grudge against Aquafina must be resolved today, goddamnit. Takes him like five hops to topple the fuck over but at least he kinda looked like he was trying to do that one step from the Kid N Play dance. You know the one.

Big ups to my main champion out here. He was getting so close, man. So close.

This guy drops a thing in a bucket then just runs off. Superior martial arts technique on display, baby. Don’t get more effective than this. Just drop and dip, it works.

But we’re not done. Not by a long shot. This dude tries to punch this lady a few times and can’t break through her barrier of defense. He musters all his magic to go for broke. Any guesses as to how that went?

This guy almost launches a Hadouken. Then he stops him with the power of slamming his hands together in a technique that can only be described as “IF JOHNNY HAS FIVE APPLES…”

Just imagine being told by someone “You’re into MMA? Cool! I also train in martial arts!” only to show you this bullshit. I wish I weren’t this personally upset about it, but I’m going to say it every time: people will get genuinely hurt, and you’re probably charging them money for this. If you at least sell someone some magic beans they can plant them and have more beans.

God, I’m tired. I’m so, so tired.

I’ve fallen down a rabbit hole with Live Muay Thai Guy on YouTube, and I don’t want to dig my way out of it. Check out this batch of knockouts from almost a decade ago.

You really need to improve your life (as I have done in the last year or so) and get more Sumo into your diet. In fact, we’ve got Tim Bissell doing sensational work on covering the sport both here on Bloody Elbow as well as on his own Substack.

Meet Hakuoho. He’s 20 years old and has been absolutely wrecking shop. And Sumo Prime Time has a lovely feature on what makes him so special and his recent run, which is beyond impressive.

I’ve got a feeling we’re gonna be seeing a lot of this guy around these parts, and that’s a great thing.

OK, perhaps it’s something of an oversimplification. But this video is lovely. A Colombian Esgrima expert demonstrates and explains the origins of armed combat and how that changed with colonialism as the population evolved and advanced tactics. Really cool stuff here. Don’t worry, nobody gets cut.

We’re back in Karate territory, stating with a nice demonstration of the effectiveness of Kyokushin leg kicks.

From there, YouTube user Sports ForEver gives us an amazing look into another Karate legend. Australia’s Judd Reid has an amazing story, being a battle-forged foreigner in Japan that earned his reputation the hard way training under Kyokushin founder Masutatsu Oyama himself. Check it out.

Finally, one of my favorite comedic actors, Rowan Atkinson. While he’s gone on to have some opinions I find personally rather baffling if not outright terrible, he’s done some genius work and was a fixture of my childhood. Here he is as beloved character Mr. Bean doing some Judo. Enjoy.

That’s it for this week, kids. I’ll be watching that new Ninja Turtles movie this week, and you probably should, too. And remember – you might think you can fight, but there are many guys like you all over the world.

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Victor Rodriguez has been a writer and podcaster for Bloody Elbow since 2015. He started his way as a lowly commenter and moderator to become the miscreant he is now. He often does weekly bits on fringe martial arts items across the globe, oddball street combat pieces, previews, analysis, and some behind-the-scenes support. He has trained in wrestling, Karate, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, and the occasional Muay Thai and Judo lesson here and there. Victor has also been involved with acting and audio editing projects. He lives in Pennsylvania where he plays way too many video games and is an S-rank dad.